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Though it's not an issue exclusive to those with ADHD, some children with ADHD exhibit explosive behavior. Disciplining an explosive child can be challenging for parents, and knowing exactly how to go about it can be tough. Especially if kids become physically aggressive or display otherwise extreme behaviors, many parents find themselves at a loss. Parents with young kids may worry about how a child's behavior might progress or become more severe in the future. So, how do you discipline an explosive child?
In this article, we'll talk about understanding explosive children and ways to discipline an explosive child effectively, such as leading by example by coping with your own emotions healthily, using problem-solving skills, and opting for an immediate and consistent consequence when your child acts in an explosive fashion. Then, we'll discuss how to seek help for your child's behavior.
What causes explosive behavior in children?
There are a number of potential contributors to explosive behavior in children. Environmental factors, differences in areas of the brain that affect behavior, and genetics can all be factors. A child who exhibits explosive behavior may have trauma, poor impulse control, low frustration tolerance, lack of control over life circumstances, or too few coping skills to appropriately navigate anger, anxiety, and other strong emotions.
Understanding Explosive Children
If your child lashes out, you are very likely searching for the cause. As stated above, there are a number of underlying issues that are connected to explosive behavior. While it is not relevant for all kids with ADHD, an ADHD diagnosis does increase the likelihood that a child will struggle with behavioral problems like aggression.
If a child tends toward explosive behavior, small things might push them over the edge. Notice patterns in explosive kids to see what could be going on under the surface. Additionally, take note of their current and previous experiences to see what might contribute to the behavior of your unique child.
How To Discipline An Explosive Child
Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for parents to fear what their child will do if they attempt to discipline a child who exhibits physical aggression or otherwise explosive behavior. However, parents play a crucial role in helping their kids learn to manage emotions and communicate healthily. With that in mind, here are some helpful tips for disciplining an explosive child. If you have a co-parent, ensure you’re on the same page so that you can remain consistent and work together cohesively as a family.
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Put safety first
Some children will take it out on other kids in the house, or they may engage in physical abuse, whether in the form of hitting or other means. If this is the case for your child, put safety first. Make sure there is a safe, quiet spot in the home you can direct your child to. Ideally, that space will be free of any objects that could hurt the child or someone else.
Show empathy for your child
One of the most important things a parent can do for their child is to show empathy. Explosive anger is not a comfortable thing for a child, or anyone else, to experience. Children are not volatile on purpose. Being branded as a "difficult child" or receiving a lack of empathy may actually make issues worse for an explosive child and their family members.
Asking a child, “What do you need?” and letting them know that you want to hear their side can go a long way. When you talk to your child post-outburst, ask them what they were feeling at that moment. Again, stay calm, and give them the opportunity to share what's on their mind if they can. A feelings wheel can be helpful for this if kids are just learning about emotions.
Spend time discussing emotions with your child in depth. Go over what emotions like anger, sadness, or fear feel like. Let your child know that it's okay to feel strong emotions, overwhelm, stress, or any other feeling. Then, talk about how there are ways to notice what’s going on in the body and mind early on as well as ways to cope and alleviate discomfort. Discussing emotions can be a great lead-in or preface to a conversation about coping skills.
Note: Joon is a to-do app and game that encourages positive behavior, motivation, and independence in children. Designed for kids with ADHD ages 6-12, Joon is a way to "gamify" tasks like brushing teeth, finishing homework, or eating meals. Not only does Joon take stress off of parents, but it's fun and beneficial for kids.
Joon is backed by child psychologists, occupational therapists, teachers, and other professionals.
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Use immediate and consistent consequences
Children require consequences that are both immediate and consistent. When consequences such as time outs are immediate, kids are able to process the consequence as something that is a direct result of their behavior. If consequences are too far off in the future, it may not be as effective, especially for kids with working memory problems or a heightened sense of urgency.
Consistency is key, too. Once you let a child know that there will be a consequence, ensure you follow through. That way, your child will learn that you mean what you say. If a child doesn't see you follow through, they may not take you seriously when you verbalize a consequence in the future, which can make things harder later on. It is possible to correct this through using consistency now if you've been less than consistent in the past. Stay patient and stand your ground.
Similarly, give positive reinforcement when a child shows progress in their behavior. Positive reinforcement can be verbal or tangible in nature.
Model good behavior for your child
Even when it doesn't seem like it's the case, children very much pick up on what their parents do. Model good behavior for your child by showing how you handle and express your own emotions healthily. Although it's not an extensive list, here are some examples of how a parent can model good behavior for their child:
- Talking through feelings calmly
- Taking deep breaths
- Excusing yourself to take a break
If you are someone who struggles with anger personally or needs support while you help your child overcome explosive behavior, consider working with a therapist or counselor yourself. Parenting is tough, and getting support yourself shows the rest of the family that it's okay.
Keep calm during the discipline process
Many parents struggle with staying calm when disciplining an explosive child. However, when parenting an explosive child, it is important to stay calm. If your emotions start to run high and it shows, it might heighten a child's behavior further. This can also be a part of a parent modeling the behavior they want to see in a child.
Teach kids to take breaks when emotions run high
Anger and stress will always exist. For kids and adults alike who struggle with anger, it's vital to learn to take a break before explosive behavior occurs. Teach children to ask to take breaks when they start to feel frustrated or angry.
You can't always avoid triggers, but it is possible for children to become more aware of their feelings, triggers, and reactions. If kids can start to understand the initial signs that they’re getting to a place where it’ll be hard to control, they can ask to excuse themselves.
Understanding the warning signs that an outburst is approaching can take time, but once it’s fine-tuned, it can be a highly valuable skill.
Work on problem-solving skills
When kids have the tools to solve problems that currently lead to distress, it is very possible that their behavior will improve. Let's take sensory issues, which may cause distress or tip an already activated child over the edge, as an example. If a child knows how to express and accommodate sensory needs accordingly, they can avoid or mitigate distress. This is an example of problem-solving skills in action. Teach kids self-care activities and tools they can use to cope and address triggers that might arise in their life.
Pick your battles
Kids often engage in argumentative or defiant behavior because they feel that they can't control anything in their life or as though they have very little control. It is true that kids don't have a lot of control in life. One way a parent can help is to pick their battles.
Take a look at what's a big deal and what's not. What are the non-negotiable and necessary rules for your house? Are any of the fights that you get into with your child over small things that don't matter at the end of the day? These are all questions for parents to reflect on.
Offer kids control in the form of choices when you can. Even tiny things like, "would you rather have waffles or pancakes?" and "What kind of clothes do you want for school?" give autonomy to kids.
Write down the behaviors
Write down the behaviors and incidents your child experiences. That way, you can share your child's specific behaviors and symptoms with a medical or mental healthcare provider. Writing it out can help both you as a parent and your child's medical professionals. Making a record of when your child lashes out and what happens when they do can also help you notice patterns in emotions, behaviors, and underlying triggers or separate concerns that may play a role.
Seeking Help For Your Child's Behavior
Creating collaborative and proactive solutions with your child's care team is ideal for parents in this situation. In the same way that different children have different triggers, not all kids with explosive behavior benefit from the same things. There are many apps to track tantrums in kids and a medical or mental health provider who is versed in working with children who exhibit explosive behavior can help you create a personalized plan for care.
If your child doesn't currently have mental health professionals versed in these issues on their care team, the first step for parents is often to make an appointment with their child's pediatrician. Pediatricians can provide referrals for evaluations and specialized care options, like a therapist who works with kids who face explosive behavior.
Alternatively, parents can search the web for providers like therapists and psychiatrists as a first step. When you search online, you can usually find information on what concerns a provider works with, as well as the age group they treat and the modalities they use. Most often, providers offer a free, confidential call to discuss their experience, insurance coverage, and more.
Modalities used to address emotional dysregulation and behavioral concerns in children may vary based on factors like your child’s age. Parent training and cognitive behavioral therapy (whether alone or combined with play therapy) are two common options. While the therapeutic process takes time, it is worth it, and it is possible for kids to overcome explosive behavior.
Takeaway
Disciplining an explosive child can come with a great deal of stress and worry for parents. However, there are proactive solutions that can help parents discipline an explosive child. Use the tips in this article and seek professional help to get individualized guidance for yourself, your child, and other family members close to your child. Emotions like anger aren't "wrong." Rather, there are adaptive and maladaptive ways to navigate them. Remember that learning how to discipline an explosive child is a process. There will be ups and downs, and these tips require time and continuation, as does the commitment to forms of support like therapy.
About
Dr. Carrie Jackson, PhD
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